Jeff for America

Kyle has been vying for my attention for some time now. His moods vary greatly throughout the day and seem to depend on the amount of face time I’m able to give him. During homeroom in the morning, he follows me like a shadow and creeps in and out of my room throughout the day during passing periods. Totally innocent, Kyle is craving some male attention – and not just mine. He has developed a good raport with other men in the building but seems to be especially attached to me. I’ve taken him on as a helper in the classroom, conversed with him about every subject imaginable and even made a special handshake that just the two of us know.

And in the back of my mind, I can’t help but see a little of myself in him. Now, I come to this conclusion without any evidence or curiosity – I haven’t pursued this information or confirmed it. It’s just kind of there. So when Kyle told me that he had googled my name a few weeks ago, I immediately put up a wall. I could tell where this was heading, and I didn’t need anything more on my plate. Obviously searching for someone to talk to, or at least look to, Kyle had discovered my little secret.

While I don’t consider being gay a secret anymore, it’s certainly not common knowledge among my students. When they ask me questions about my girlfriend or if I’m getting married, I usually laugh, tell them “I can’t” or refer to my long-standing on-again, off-again fake relationship with my co-worker Ms. Teune. But once I knew he had looked me up online, the jig was up. There’s simply no tip-toeing around this:

Practically every link is related to something LGBT I did in college. The inevitable question came this past Monday.

“Mr. Manassero – is everything online about you true?”

“Well, Kyle, yes – I don’t think there are any lies on there about me.”

“Then what does LGBT mean?”

“It means Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender.”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Gay?”

I wasn’t going to lie – the question was there, and Kyle was just waiting – clinging to the hope that I would just say it out loud – that maybe he was actually in the midst of someone like him. I’m making a lot of assumptions here, but I can’t help it. I was in his shoes not too long ago, and I know the feeling. I remember having a similar conversation with one of my high school teachers. I was searching for a figure (anyone, really) who I could identify with in that way – looking for someone who could show me that everything would be alright – that being gay didn’t mean what some people wanted me to believe.

For those reasons, and my comittment to being open about who I am, I told him.

“Actually, Kyle, yes – I am gay.”

From there, we had a short conversation about who knew and that it really isn’t a big deal. I also made clear my desire for him not to tell anyone on his own. I know he left my classroom a bit lighter, less anxious and more sure of himself. I’m eager to see what happens next. But for now, I’m just sort of relieved. I always knew this day would come – and the best part is that it feels completely right – totally organic and sort of anticlimactic. Just the way it should be.

- Jeff

Note: I attempt to shield my students’ identities by not attributing specific actions and characteristics to particular students at my school. All names I use in this blog to identify students are pseudonyms. Since this post deals with sensitive content, I wanted to make this clear.