Be like me
I’ve been failing at male relationships my whole life. And what I mean by that is…I’ve never really been able to connect with other men in the same way I connect with women. Ever since I was a kid, I preferred my female friends. I was doing flips on the playground bars and made breakfast in bed for my sister’s friends when they had sleep overs. On the weekends, I made sure I got to go shopping at Ross with my mom when my dad was doing yard work. Women became my go-to, and somewhere in the mix, my ability to bond with men was weakened. The few male friends I had in school either turned out to be gay or are out of touch. And still today, I find my relationships with women far outnumber and outflank those with men.
And so it was a challenge when I decided to take up the task of leading my school’s boys mentoring group, Boys II Men. I’ve documented this before when we made our first visit to the local jail. Since then, we’ve collected toys for families during the holiday and volunteered at a church. This month, I wanted something tangible for them to walk away about a topic I know many of them have encountered (or will) in their own lives: domestic violence. I found a local organization that does outreach in the public schools and set up a workshop for the boys after school. A month in the making, the workshop took place this afternoon.
Within the first 10 minutes, I was back in my place – awkwardly trying to feel them out as they were creating ruckus in my room. The guest had arrived, and none of the boys were listening to my pleas to sit down and get settled. Not being quiet, I knew they had heard me. I knew they were ignoring me. In that moment, it felt like the wind was knocked out of me – I needed to catch my breathe. At the surface, I was just plain frustrated with the situation at hand. But deep down, I was being reminded (in a very explicit way) of my own insecurities. I feel trapped between doing what feels right, and altering my approach to fit their idea of masculinity and authority. If there was a class about how to be a male role model, I’d consider paying a hefty fee. While I acknowledge the fact that you can’t learn this stuff, I still feel like I need some help understanding where I fit into all this. Because, right now, I feel like that last puzzle piece that fell under the couch – obviously important but just not in the right place.
Most of these boys just don’t respect me as a male role model. Their actions show a complete disregard for my intentions and are an assault on my alternative approach to discipline and relationships. They view me as weak, emotional and – ultimately – irrelevant. I’m not like their fathers or their cousins or their neighbors. And I’m certainly not like some of the other men I work with – who have my student’s instant respect upon entering the room. Unlike them, I have a quieter voice, a less aggressive demeanor, am far more patient and understanding, and have lighter skin. I am a foreigner. When it comes down to it, I don’t think too many of these young boys want to be like me. And that’s kind of a hard pill to swallow.
- Jeff
P.S. I really don’t need a slew of reassuring comments to follow – just had to get this off my mind.
Even when they aren’t happy thoughts you still can post great thoughts.. I wish I could write like you..
I love that puzzle piece. I hope they listened to the speaker and took something away from the workshop that is positive. Great workshop topic! All role models/mentors cannot and should not all be the same. But, I understand your frustration. Love, Mom
Maybe you’re trying to be a male role model for the wrong group of boys. I think it’s difficult for gay men to be role models for straight guys. Sure, we have a lot to teach straight men, but I’m not sure that they would ever see us as people they want to be like. Have you considered mentoring a group of gay teens? You would definitely be someone they could all respect.
Thanks for your honesty. I am in a streaming class and your link cam e up in the chat
Hi, Jeff.
Julia mentioned your post to me last night at dinner. What she said brought to mind my experience as an intersession aide at Harriet Eddy MS, so I was interested to see what you had written. Having read it, I wonder if you are conflating “respect” and “obedience”. The students’ “idea of masculinity and authority” that you describe seems to involve fear and the implicit threat of violence (illustrated, for example, by the “greeting” given to your group by the tour guide at the jail.)
The relation between that and a relative inability to bond with men may be that even in white suburbia, many boys are raised to think that being “manly” is evaluated primarily in physical terms, particularly the ability to inflict and withstand pain, and to impose one’s will via force or intimidation. Those who operate in that mode are generally uncomfortable with those of us who opt out of it, and that discomfort tends to impede the formation of friendships.
In the case of your students, their disobedience flows from their perception that you are not a threat. I think this is not so much a lack of respect as a lack of maturity, and without exposure to and experience with different behaviors and points of view they will remain emotionally and intellectually immature. It is, of course, important for you to understand your intentions; for your students, however, it is your actions that carry weight, and you may never know how and when those actions will lead to a positive result for any given individual.
I know this has gotten windy, so I’ll close by quoting another windy sort – Shakespeare’s Polonius :
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
(Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78–80)